Controlling the Thoughts. It’s Difficult, but Essential.

In my most recent post, I identified how I had inadvertently discovered that my narcissistic ex-girlfriend “Suzy” had apparently gotten married since our most recent breakup a little over 10 months ago.  I had come to grips with the breakup during that period which was made easier since we have had absolutely NO contact, but finding out she was married brought all kinds of new thoughts to the forefront.

I have made considerable progress in my co-dependent/anxious attachment style in the last few years.  In fact, most things that used to bother me, especially the rejection aspect, fail to have the same impact they once did.  I didn’t even know what co-dependency and attachment styles were until my narcissistic ex-wife brutally discarded me for the final time about 5 years ago.  With that said, I made a lot of progress in a fairly short amount of time, and I feel pretty good about that.  Certain things challenge my progress however.

The recent understanding that Suzy is married is one such thing.  It is incredible what our minds are willing to come up with if we let them run amok, and everyday since the discovery, I have allowed mine to do just that… until I realized it and put a stop to it.  In fact, I have had to put a stop to it over and over again, but I’m not giving up.

What are those thoughts that I am having?  The first thing that keeps happening is revisionist history, where somehow I am able to turn Suzy into a saint, essentially forgetting all of the narcissistic and hurtful things that she did and said.  How many times she flatly and out of nowhere clearly told me that I wasn’t a good boyfriend and needed to be doing more, how many times she ignored my texts or phone calls for hours.  There were the times where she, without any guilt whatsoever, told me she was going to an “appointment”, when in fact  I later determined she was meeting with someone else.  There were multiple instances of gaslighting, where she told me one set of facts early on, and over time, those facts changed.  When I would challenge her, she would tell me I had a bad memory and she had never said those things.  Luckily for me, I kept detailed journal entries where I would record exactly what she said, painting a clear picture of the real chain of events.

Sadly, over time and without consulting my journal entries, I would forget the facts, and start believing what she said.  Those pleasant memories are all I started to consciously recall after I discovered that she was now married.  Again, I started to internalize and accept that everything that went wrong was apparently my fault, that if I had only done better, this wouldn’t have happened.  After all, she is married, so there is clearly someone better than me, and it took less than 10 months for her to figure that out, and we had dated for longer than a 2 year period.  This new guy must be SO much better than me!

But then I remember the discards (four of them), the ghosting where she absolutely and unequivocally ignored my texts, my emails, my letters and my calls for nearly 3 months.  I remembered her daughters, out of nowhere, telling me (in front of Suzy no less) to be careful because there had been a number of men “checking her out”.  In hindsight, I figured out that was their way of telling me there was someone else Suzy was seeing while simultaneously cramming it up there mother’s bunghole.  Don’t forget, she was a narcissist (and very avoidant), was NOT a good mother (and I had witnessed her lack of “mothering” first hand) and had a very rocky relationship with all of her children (and really had no other friends to speak of).  There was also the fact that despite multiple high cost vacations and trips, hundreds of dinners (and she was VERY selective on where we ate given her sense of entitlement), she had NEVER paid for a thing and had gotten to where even saying thank you had become a thing of the past.

But my mind, it wanted to forget all those less than stellar memories and instead focus on the positives.  In fact, even the positives are limited to me simply having a companion, someone to do things with and, yes, someone physically very appealing. Other than that, she really did not add anything to the relationship.  Over the 2+ year period that we dated, she made dinner for me one time.  ONE TIME!!!

I continue to believe that everything happens for a reason, and that includes this event too.  That this door is more securely closed is another blessing that I need to pay attention to.  Notice I don’t say the door is blocked as she is a narcissist and feels she can reopen that door at will and probably will try at some point down the road.  Many of my friends have told me I dodged a bullet with Suzy, and fellow bloggers and commenters told me for months to get away from her, that she was a narcissist (and avoidant), but I was desperately hoping she wasn’t.  This is yet another opportunity for me to learn something, to recognize that I must implement what I know and control my thoughts rather than let them run wildly all over the place.

I did nothing to deserve Suzy leaving for the last time 10 months ago.  The same issues she projected onto me, she will be projecting onto the new husband.  Poor bastard.  At least I was smart enough to never bring up the subject of marriage.  In fact my journal entries state over and over that “I need to get away from her”.  No matter how it happened (and it clearly wasn’t me that discarded her), I am now that much further away from her.  I need to deadbolt that door and remember the facts.  That she is married did not change her one bit.  She is still the same angry, bitter, hateful woman that she was since I met her.

I will not allow my thoughts to change reality.  She was a master at doing just that.  Luckily, I am smart enough to recognize who she is and what she has done.  My mind and I, we’ve got this.

Moving On Post-Narcissist. Time Does Help.

It has been a few weeks since I have added a new post.  There was a time right after the final discard by my narcissistic ex-wife where it seemed I was writing 2 or 3 posts a week, and sometimes multiple in a day.  The emotions were overwhelming during that period.  Things feel differently now.

I have been trying recently to figure out what “different” really means, and there are a few different facets to it.  First of all, I still seem to picture my ex-wife’s face in my mind several times a day, but it doesn’t have the same sting that it used to have.  In fact, that visual in my mind has become somewhat “foggy” appearing, i.e. her features as well as my recollection of her mannerisms and quirks just aren’t as clear as they used to be.  With that occurring, the impact of picturing her doesn’t have the same crippling effect that it used to have.  The fact that I still have to physically see her at work periodically doesn’t seem to matter as she appears almost as a stranger to me now.

In addition to not “seeing” her as clearly, I tend to think of her as a bit of a buffoon now, where I would never, ever have done that in the past.  That I have had no choice (given the degree to which I have implemented No Contact and stuck with it) but to stand back and observe her from afar, the more time that passes, the more self-serving, arrogant, and childish she appears to be.  I never wanted to admit that before given how much I cared about her (and still do to a certain extent), but there is no denying the truth.  Throw in that she has been married 4 times (including me – I know that should have been a HUGE red flag) and still continues to display an “I am the center of the universe” mentality and it becomes that much clearer that she never grew up.  She almost seems as if she is Peter Pan, and her minions follow her through the forest and wherever else she goes.

I still look fondly upon the memories as they were special and still feel special to me, but her part in those times is diminishing, becoming less and less as time goes on.  I can still “feel” those events as if they just happened, but she is more of a parallel piece rather than an actual participant.  Having to say that is really quite sad, but it is also the truth.  The more realistic I am about my 8+ years with her, the more I come to realize that it wouldn’t have mattered to her who she was with.  All that mattered was that she had an audience, and the means to do the things that she was provided with.  I provided her the means, and the audience presented itself.

Finally, time is causing me to reevaluate what it is that I am looking for.  At the beginning, I was absolutely looking for an identical replacement for her, as stupid and scary as that sounds.  Why wouldn’t I as I thought she was the only perfect person in existence, which is exactly the image that she portrayed.  Sadly, she did the same thing to all the men before me and after me too, changing herself in an instant to become exactly what they were looking for.  Anyway, that is not what I am doing anymore.

Case in point – I have dated too many women after my ex left for the final time.  There have only been a handful that were semi-serious, with one in particular lasting for 3 months.  That “one” resulted in her essentially telling me that we weren’t exclusive even though we had been seeing each other almost everyday for that 3 months.  With that said, I walked away (fairly broken-hearted again) and hadn’t seen or really heard from her for nearly 8 months.  I didn’t see her as perfect in the way that I had envisioned my ex-wife for so long, but I did have a lot of fun with her and looked forward to seeing her, so it was a bit painful when she blew me off.

In the last few weeks, I started getting texts from her that were friendly at first, and got more and more “caring” as time went on.  Essentially, it resulted in her inviting me to her lakefront cabin a couple of hundred miles away for a few days this week.  Since I had no real plans, I thought why not?  It resulted in me recognizing how far I have actually come in the last year or so (my ex has been gone for just shy of 3 years now). While I enjoyed myself, I didn’t feel like I “had” to be there, like I was the luckiest guy in the whole world to be there.  In fact, there were several things that I don’t like about her that I couldn’t ignore and, in the past, I tended to bury those things no matter who I was seeing because I was so needy to just be with someone, anyone, post-narcissist.

Taking it a step further, I have cut my dating back significantly and am much more choosy about who I go out with.  Yes, I still get extremely lonely, and sometimes I do think about the past with my ex-narcissist too much, but it is refreshing to realize that I am okay by myself and that I don’t have to be in such a hurry all the time.

Time.  I never would have thought I would be without my narcissistic ex given how many times we were apart and back together.  Time has not healed all the wounds, but it has certainly lessened the sting, and the sensations are not what they once were.  I know what I am looking for, and I am going to use time to find it, the real “it”, and not the fake “it” that the narcissist presents to us.  It’s out there, and I’m gonna find it.  It just takes time.

It All Gets Connected Somehow. Living In A Post-Narcissist Life.

Well, it’s the weekend and, for the first time in three months, I am alone.  Yep, back to being single again, although apparently I was all along and didn’t know it.  And yes, I continue to make mistakes that I can tie back to being in a past relationship with a narcissist.  Let me explain.

I have been attempting to date for a year and a half now, and I have been on way too many dates during that period.  Back in August, I started seeing a woman (lets call her Suzy and no that’s not her real name).  It was one of those deals where the first time I saw her, I thought to myself “finally, now we’re getting somewhere”, as opposed to most of my first date experiences that began with “please, please tell me she’s not going to sit down here”.  Suzy and I started seeing each other a lot, to the point where it was implied that we were going to see each other at any given time.  Or so I thought…

Anyway, Suzy was an awesome distraction for me as I continued to recover from the devastating discard from my narcissistic ex-wife that occurred nearly two and a half years ago.  I had been on multiple dates with several of the women that I had dated, but they always seemed contrived or even wishful thinking.  My time with Suzy seemed different as we had a lot of things in common and were always able to identify some kind of activity to go and do.  Something else that I appreciated was that she was quite affectionate, although sometimes that felt like it always had to be prompted by me.  Are you seeing any issues yet?  That’s the first one right there.

Over the last several weeks, while we always had some kind of plans or were making plans, I started to become concerned that maybe I was forcing the relationship too much.  Consider that we were ALWAYS on the go somewhere, including weekend trips out of town, dinners, comedy clubs, movies, Halloween parties, even home improvement stores as she was in the process of renovating a home that she had just purchased.  Typically, anytime expense was involved, I took care of it.  For the most part, I thought that was okay but I started to wonder, again, if her and I were on the same page.  I also noticed that anytime I looked at the online dating site where we had initially met she seemed to have been on within a day or two (and my profile was invisible meaning I wasn’t communicating with anyone and she was fully aware of that).

Something else that I found a little disturbing was that I was constantly telling her how much I enjoyed our time together, how much I loved the way she looked, essentially that there was no where else I would rather be.  In contrast, she was very, very limited in complementing me in anyway.  Early on, I thought maybe she was just being cautious, but the longer we were together and the more things we did, the more I expected her to openly “want” me, and in the best case, “need” me, but that just didn’t seem to be forthcoming.

I had to know.  In the middle of last week, I sent her a text (I know, bad idea) essentially asking her what her feelings toward me were since she didn’t really tell me and I honestly didn’t know.  I followed that up with why she still “needed” to go to the online site.  The response to my inquiries was not what I expected and certainly not what I wanted.  It initiated some awkward text responses followed by a rather angry phone call telling me that she never said that we were “exclusive” and even calling me a liar because if I know that she is online then I must be online too doing who knows what.  No matter how I tried to stay calm and ally her concerns, she just kept saying how screwed up I was until I finally had enough, told her to have a nice life, and hung up.

Not exclusive?  After three months of non-stop activities both during the week and every weekend, what was I supposed to think?  I had no clue that with a simple text message trying to obtain some kind of confirmation that she actually wanted to be in a relationship with me, I find out that she apparently didn’t.  Yes, I have evaluated this over and over and over.  All I wanted was “of course I want to be with you, what would make you think otherwise” response, but instead it resulted in Armageddon.

I can honestly say there is nothing else I could have done in that three months.  I essentially adored this woman, fawned over her, bent over backward (and helped her move as well as renovate her house) and it ended THAT quickly.  I haven’t heard a peep in days.  Now, the evaluating and reliving begin, those remnants of having lived with a narcissist in my previous marriage.  What did I do wrong, how could this have been avoided, was it really all my fault; all those questions come zooming back to the forefront.  The sharp sting of rejection is back, and my co-dependence, which I have been dealing with and removing from my life, rears its ugly head once again.

Yep, I will get past this too.  I really don’t want to, and didn’t expect to have to so soon, but I will move on yet again.  I will openly admit this crap gets old and begs the question are there any decent people around anymore, or are we ALL screwed up that bad somehow?  I guess I am going to take a break from the dating thing yet again.  At least I am finally at a place where I CAN be alone without going nuts.  It’s not where I want to be, but it is where I am.  Back to square one.  Again.

The Double Whammy. Where the Past and the Future Collide.

It has been a strange week indeed, what with the double whammy occurring.  What is the double whammy you ask?  The double whammy is when two bizarre things occur in your post-narcissist life within pretty quick succession.

First, I was informed by a co-worker that apparently my ex-narcissist wife, after moving out of our home two years ago to a rental home and then into her new supplies home, has moved roughly 50 miles away back to her hometown (and where mommy and daddy live).  This is after her living with her new supply for the last year approximately 2 or 3 miles from where we purchased our home, the one that I got to keep.  To make it even more narcissistic, she made sure that she let my friend know that the most recent supply and her are still “a couple” and that they are just taking things slow and trying to do things right.  WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!

Here’s what’s wrong with that.  First, she has NEVER lived alone in her life.  There IS new supply somewhere near her new residence.  No, I don’t have evidence, but I have history and also the knowledge of how narcissists operate.  Just like she did with me, she is going to have a “down period” where it appears that she is with no one (no one knew about me for approximately 6 months after she left her previous husband and started seeing me – I always thought that was kind of weird).  That way it appears she isn’t doing anything wrong, she will see both of them without the other knowing, and then when the timing is right, the poor bastard out here by me is simply going to get discarded in the most brutal of ways.  She’s not going to let go of that branch until she has a firm grip on the next.  That way it looks like she did nothing wrong, that she was alone for several months, and has finally met the man of her dreams (yet again, and again).

The other factor in her moving is that her pseudo-Christian parents don’t like it when she lives with anyone.  Oh, they don’t seem to mind that she has been married and divorced 4 times, but there will be no living in sin.  Additionally, she can use that as an excuse to the guy that replaced me as part of the reason that she moved out of his house and 50 miles away, it was her parents fault and not hers.

My feelings on this are divided.  On the one hand, I feel relieved that I don’t have to worry about running into her at the store or the gas station or whatever.  Since we haven’t spoken in over a year, I really tried to avoid the surprise run into (yes, I do still see her at work, but my COMPLETE no contact with her has resulted in her acting like she never knew me let alone being with me for 8 years and married to me for 5).  It also makes the house feel a bit more like it really is mine knowing that she isn’t even in the area.

On the other hand, knowing that she isn’t just 2 or 3 miles away makes me feel that much more isolated and alone.  I had already been living in this area when we got together, so she moved out here to be with me (or rather to be able to use me more effectively).  It is a very lonely feeling being in a place that we moved into together, looking at all the things we purchased, being able to do all the things we did and visit the places we visited, only now knowing I alone am associated with the objects and the memories.  That it has been two years now since she moved out is totally lost on me – it seems like it was just yesterday that she was here.  The thoughts and memories continue to be so vivid and momentous, I just can’t seem to mute them, let alone make them go away.

So what’s the second part of the double whammy?  Well, I had a date with the 28th woman last night (all online dates).  We had been communicating for several days, including multiple phone conversations (which is rare prior to the first meeting).  She appeared attractive in her photos, and claimed to be a good Christian woman.  The only oddity was that I couldn’t match up the voice with the photos.  I was feeling very positive about this one for some reason that I couldn’t explain.  It turned out to be short-lived.

Yes, she was attractive, but appeared much “harsher” in person than in her photos.  Additionally, she smoked (and broke it to me by saying that I looked like a man who would smoke cigars, to which I quickly told her that I did not).  Yes, she had Christ in her life now, but apparently she was quite the partier in the past, hence the gravely voice that I couldn’t explain.  Cigarettes and partying will do that to you I guess.  Anyway, the date was pleasant enough, but I could tell it was a one-time shot, and today I found out she felt the same way.

Here’s the thing I hate about this – I am STILL looking for my ex, or rather her non-narcissistic duplicate.  She created such a perfect companion with her acting ability and did it for so long that I am having a hard time finding anything that comes close.  Sadly, it is the same thing physically in that she was somehow exactly what I was looking for and now I can’t find anything that compares.  I feel doomed from the start even though I know that I have to get past all of these things somehow.

So there it is, the double whammy week that I have had in a nutshell.  I do believe that one day things will be better (and I am in a better place than I was in the past), but I am frankly getting pretty tired of waiting and at the same time watching my ex from the sidelines move her life forward as if I never existed.  It’s a tough place to be and I don’t seem to be able to escape from it.  It is something that results in feeling just about every emotion there is from anger, to sadness, to jealousy, to loneliness, and to hope that things will get better.  I’m hanging in there, but sometimes it feels like just barely.

Thinking. It’s Hard to Stop It.

I am on vacation from work this week and it is the first time since the departure of my narcissistic ex-wife 2 years ago that I have taken that many days off in a row.  As suspected, being alone with little distraction is almost like begging the thoughts to come in, but I have been fighting it.

In the not too distant past, I struggled to not be visualizing all the memories, but lately, that has changed to a certain extent.  The memories I am referring to are all of the good ones and not those that occurred during the devaluing and discarding.  Luckily (if there is such a thing relating to a narcissist), that final devastating process didn’t last nearly as long as the love bombing, positive, fun and exciting stage did.  It was essentially 6 years of absolute bliss followed by 2 years of confusion, questions, and sadness.  In my mind, the 6 years of good times far outweigh the bad so I tend to visualize those good years.  When I do need to remember all the crap, I refer to my several hundred page journal that is a clear reminder of the sheer craziness that did occur in that final couple of years before she left for the last time.

Anyway, I now find my thoughts on smaller, less important things.  I essentially find myself continuing habits that she insisted upon, quirky little things that I got used to doing that I now continue to do and then follow-up by thinking of her every time I find myself doing them.  I thought they were cute at the time, but now, I am simply used to doing them and continue them out of habit.  Some examples include when I make the bed every morning, I place the pillows with the open ends facing toward the outside of the bed.  She was insistent on doing this EVERY day and I honestly don’t know why, but when I would do it wrong, she would fix it.  Now I have gotten used to doing it this way.  Another example is in rooms where there is more than one light switch to control the lights (i. e. a larger room that may have two switches at opposite ends), there was a specific way the switches had to be aligned.  So if you used a switch you didn’t normally use, she would go back later and “realign” the switches to the “normal” configuration.  I still find myself doing this without thinking, and then afterward it makes me think of her.

Being on vacation, I am also reminded of all of the things that I’m NOT doing, and that is the hardest part of being without her.  There are so many places that I love to go that I have not been to in the last two years.  Yes, I realize that I could go, that there is nothing stopping me, but going alone is just that much more of a reminder that she is gone AND that I haven’t found a “suitable” replacement yet.  It’s not for a lack of trying and I do have another “first” date this afternoon (number 27 believe it or not).  With a week off, my ex and I would have been non-stop doing this and that all week.  I realize now that doing all those activities was simply the narcissist having to be so busy ALL the time so that she didn’t have time to think about how empty and pathetic she was, but to me it was constant adventure and memory making, and it was good.

In hindsight, I can clearly remember how quiet and distant she would become when we finished doing something fun and exciting and didn’t have something else immediately lined up.  I just thought she was tired, but instead, she was hating herself and ME for her own lack.  What a crappy existence, but I simply didn’t know.  Now I do.

So here I am, on vacation.  I have stayed fairly busy and for the most part have enjoyed myself, but she is always right there, just under the surface, reminding me to do this and that and to make sure that I am thinking about her always.  That thinking isn’t quite as sharp and clear as it was, some of the thoughts and memories are fading around the edges, but she is still there.  The real vacation that I need is a vacation from my own thoughts, thoughts of her and what I am supposed to be doing and how I am supposed to be doing it.  I’m getting there but I’m not there yet.  I’m just glad that I’m not where I used to be.

Who knows, maybe date #27 will be the one.  It could happen.  And let’s hope she doesn’t care which way the pillows face or about the alignment of the light switches.  And even more than that, let’s hope that I can get used to not caring too.

Beautiful, but Stormy. The Post-Narcissist Life.

I decided this afternoon to take the boat out for a little ride.  I have gotten much better at being able to disassociate the lake related activities from my narcissistic ex-wife, but I still struggle to a certain extent.  I was feeling pretty good this afternoon.

I knew there was a chance for rain, but I decided I didn’t really care.  It was “my” boat now, although it certainly was “our” boat from the beginning.  It is one of those awesome stories where you and your favorite companion decide to go to a boat show in the middle of the winter.  You don’t really need a new boat, but you go just for fun, simply another excuse to do something together.  I can remember it just like it was yesterday.  No, I can actually feel it.

As we were going through all of the displays, there was one pontoon that stood out.  Yes, we already had a pontoon, but it was nothing special and was something that we had purchased used from a mutual friend (although he was MY friend long before he was OUR friend).  Anyway, the reason this boat stood out was because in the aft of the boat, it had a rear facing double lounge, a spot that we could both lay together.  It was perfect, as we did EVERYTHING together.  I still have photos on an old cell phone of her sitting in the very boat that I now own, that glint in her eye that she always had.  I used to think it was happiness. I now know it was something different.

On that January day, I thought she wanted that boat for “us”.  We didn’t need it, we really couldn’t afford it, but I bought it anyway.  I so much wanted for her to be happy in every possible way.  It wasn’t happiness, as there is no such thing for her.  Now it is “my” boat.  But that image of her sitting in that lounge in the rear of “my” boat on that January day 3+ years ago is forever burned into my memory.

So I am out in the boat today, knowing there is a good chance for rain, but I simply didn’t care.  It was a beautiful 90 degree F day, the sun was shining, I had a few Summer Shandy beers in the cooler, and out I went.  I was honestly and thoroughly enjoying myself.  I kept glancing to the west, as that is where the bad weather would be coming from, but I saw nothing of concern, until…

About an hour after I went out, all of a sudden the skies darkened; I headed for home.  I made it all the way back, and as soon as I got the boat tied off, it started to pour, and I mean the skies opened up.  At first, I rushed about getting the cover on, but halfway through the job I decided that I just didn’t care.  It felt so good to be outside, the temperature still high, the humidity stifling, and the warm yet exhilarating rain was falling.  It felt so refreshing and freeing.  I did finish covering the boat and I sat just there on the end of the dock with my feet dangling in the water, watching the rain drops hit the lake, hearing them bounce off the boat cover, listening to the thunder off in the distance.  It was intoxicating.  I was wet and I simply didn’t care that it was raining.

Then it all came together.  What I was experiencing mimicked my life.  Despite the dark clouds and the pouring rain, despite the lightning and thunder, it was absolutely beautiful.  It was also stormy.  The irony hit me like as if errant lightning had struck me.  THIS WAS MY LIFE.

My ex-Narcissist is gone.  That is probably the best thing that could have ever happened to me, although most of the time it doesn’t feel that way.  Some might say it is a “beautiful” thing.  At the same time, my life has and continues to feel stormy, the rain falling, the wind blowing, the lightning striking and the thunder crashing.  It is not the most comfortable way to live.  I sat there on the end of the dock in the rain, loving and missing my ex-wife while at the same time cursing her and hating her for where my life has unexpectedly ended up.  I simply felt stuck in between two worlds.

Stuck in between two worlds.  The world that was, the one that I enjoyed for many years yet hated and loathed at the end.  And the world that is yet to come.  There was no rainbow at the end of today’s storm.  I am praying there will be a rainbow at the end of my life’s storm.  My life has so many beautiful things about it and in it.  But the storm…  The storm continues.  The rain will stop.  One day, the rain will stop.

Leaving the Past in the Past. Why is it so Hard?

 

I recently published a post describing how hard it has been for me to discard objects in my house that have a connection to my narcissistic ex-wife.  She left for the last time just shy of two years ago and there are several places in the house that I simply avoid because there are remnants of her still there.

I enjoy receiving comments and feedback on my posts.  They usually contain some nugget of information that provides additional insight or maybe a different perspective.  I received just such a comment in response to the recent post described above (titled “It’s the Unanswered Questions”).  That comment challenged me with several questions to consider relating to the difficulty of getting rid of those things tied to my ex-wife.  I will admit, I am a bit overwhelmed even considering some of the answers to those questions, but I felt it might be insightful and even therapeutic to attempt to answer them, so here I go:

Question 1 – What is the best thing that might happen if I release those objects?  My answer to this is initially that maybe NOTHING good might happen, and I suppose that is why I keep them around.  Being more honest about it, I suspect it may help me to move past my past, to STOP remembering what I no longer have, especially since the evidence is so close at hand and easy to see and touch (not that I have done that). I think the alternate question, question 2, provides more compelling information.

Question 2 – What is the worst thing that might happen if I release those objects?  This one makes me feel very, very uneasy.  I have a lot of possible answers to this one, including:

1. I may lose touch with my past, as if it never happened.  Yes, I realize that I have all of the good memories (and the bad), but eliminating the proof of it is a really scary thing to me.  There was so much that felt good for so long that I still struggle with what happened, despite my recent understanding of Narcissism.  Additionally, I struggle with the fact that my ex-wife took every photograph there was of us with her when she left (including two wedding albums).  I am talking hundreds if not thousands of photos.  I do have some on an old cell phone (and yes, I have kept that too), but they are very limited.  I often wonder if she has destroyed those photos since I never saw any from her 3 marriages before me.  It really doesn’t matter.

2. I feel that if I were to discard those objects, I am essentially doing the same thing that she did to me, e.g. I am simply throwing HER away, that the entire relationship and everything associated with it can simply be tossed into a trash can, never to be thought of again.  For whatever reason, there is a big part of me that recognizes how much I enjoyed the first 6-7 years of our relationship (before the quick and particularly painful devaluing and discarding).  I appear to be attempting to hold onto that somehow.  If I open up the bathroom cabinet and don’t see her shampoo in there, then the relationship never really happened.  I am feeling very emotional right now as much as I don’t want to admit that.  She was real to me, even though it was all an act.  Those “things” feel like they are a part of my life, just like she was.  I guess they are all that I have left.

Question 3 – What am I afraid of?  To be honest, I am afraid of just about everything.  I am afraid of what I do have (I essentially retained ALL of the assets we had accumulated) as that is a constant reminder that she isn’t here, that she is the missing piece.  I am also afraid of what I won’t have, of what might happen after those things are gone.  Once they are gone, there is no getting them back, even though they hold no value other than being present during the “good times” (and the bad too).  I guess it is that sense of finality that I am afraid of if I discard them.  Again, I also understand that they don’t matter, but that sense of fear is still there.

Question 4 – Is there a hidden place in my soul that secretly wants her back?  This is an easy one and also a very disturbing one.  Absolutely yes, but with many asterisks.  I only want the love bombing version, but it has to be a “transformed” version of her, e.g. one in which she is no longer racked with the disorder.  I know, this is like finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, meaning it simply isn’t going to happen.  With that said, I have many, many times prayed for a miracle where she simply wakes up one day and functions normally, with empathy, and emotions, and a real and true ability to love.  Her acting skills and her ability to create the image of the person that I longed for (not to mention being physically perfect to my eyes) has left an indelible impression that is really hard for me to leave in the past.  However, I do know the things that I need to throw away ARE NOT her, but they were a part of her.  Am I stuck here?  Yes and no in that I long for someone who I can feel the way I did with her, but I also absolutely known that without that miracle happening, it can NEVER be her.

Question 5 – Am I afraid that I will pick out another NARC to date?  This one I can quickly and firmly answer with a NO.  That does not worry me whatsoever at this point.  I have learned a lot and have a pretty keen eye regarding narcissistic traits.  However, the dating thing has been very difficult in that I am essentially trying to find the “good” parts of my ex, and “those parts” were simply an image, they were not real.  The image that she created was so perfect that no normal woman can likely approach it.  As a result, I tend to quickly move from one to the next, continuing my search for what may very well be unobtainable.  I keep telling myself that I will not settle, and while that is a noble challenge, it is very likely limiting my chances for success.

Anyway, those are my initial answers to the questions that were posed to me (thank you Leah).  I suspect I could elaborate further on each one, but I think there is a common thread that is pretty apparent.  I simply haven’t given her up completely and continue to reminisce about the good old days, minimizing the bad old days.  Who wants to give up the good times?  Hence the difficulty of letting those objects go.

I was able to throw away ALL of the stuff she had in the freezer recently, so that is a start.  And I survived too.  It’s tough to let go of that 6 or 7 years of relentless activity, acquisition, and memory making.  I just have to remember, she is gone, brutally so and of HER choice completely.  I’m getting there, but I do have work to do.

100 MPH to 0 MPH In An Instant.

I had the “privilege” of being able to come into close contact with my narcissistic ex-wife this week.  All of the “opportunities” were at work (we work at the same facility but in different buildings), two of them being chance parking lot encounters and the other being a meeting where I sat behind her 3 or 4 rows for a freaking hour.  Not once did we make eye contact (on purpose), and as I sat there looking at the back of her head wondering what had happened to get us to this place, the sheer craziness of it really came to light.

For 5 straight years, we were in bliss.  I mean, things couldn’t have gotten much better.  We were living in the house of our dreams, we got married on the beach in Jamaica in our bare feet, we had been on multiple trips and cruises, we had awesome vehicles, the sex was non-stop, and it appeared that things couldn’t go wrong.  I absolutely adored this woman, and therein lies where things went awry.

All those years, she could do no wrong in my eyes.  She was beautiful, we enjoyed all the same things, we were always on the go, she was perfect.  Anything she wanted, she got, and I was good with that.  That is how it is supposed to be, right?  Who wouldn’t want to treat their spouse that way.  I would get up every morning feeling like the luckiest guy on the planet.  I thought she felt the same way, making it the perfect relationship.  It was truly amazing.

Then I started to question things.

Here’s the key – going into the relationship, she was well aware that I had concerns and even struggled with the step-parenting role.  Little did I know that she would ultimately use that against me.  As they became teenagers, I felt it was necessary to hold her kids accountable.  She didn’t.  What I didn’t realize was that in order for her to be the “preferred” parent over their real father, she had no rules.  That guaranteed her position as the favorite.  When I started to question some of the things they were allowed to do, the “adoration” factor started to decrease.  If I was questioning her, then in her mind I must not find her perfect anymore.

My questioning and attempts to do the right thing began in our 7th year together.  She left for the first time that year without any warning.  Yes, I came home to an empty house.  I was devastated (and I didn’t know anything about narcissism or co-dependency at that time).  Because I still adored this woman, I wanted her back and was willing to submit to whatever she wanted.  Yes, even with the struggles with her children, I was still madly in love with her (or rather the image that she presented).  We agreed to each develop a list of things that we could work on to make the relationship better and she would consider moving back in.

With our lists in hand, we met to discuss them.  The only issue was that she had NO list, and I had quite a considerable list, mostly containing items that I could do better with her kids.  At the time, I found it a little troubling that she had no list, but I wanted her back so bad that I didn’t care.  In hindsight, she had no list because in her narcissistic mind she was perfect and didn’t NEED to change anything.  On top of that, she knew then that she was ultimately going to divorce me, but she just wanted to squeeze as much out of me as she could.  I let her move back in.

A few months later (after I bought her a new Mercedes Benz – a Chevrolet wasn’t good enough for her level of perfection), she moved out for the final time, filed for divorce, and has never been back.  We went from the life of bliss to devastation in what seemed like an instant.  We went from 100 MPH to 0 MPH as if we hit a brick wall.  At the time, I didn’t understand how or why.  I certainly do now.  As soon as I started questioning anything, as soon as I didn’t immediately give in to her every desire, as soon as I indicated that maybe she wasn’t perfect, the devaluing and discarding occurred in pretty quick succession.  Being normal, I could work with those things, the seemingly normal marriage problems and difficulties.  She couldn’t.

Of course, even after all of the mean things she did after moving out the last time (and they were incredible in their hurtfullness), she still thought she could seek me out and talk to me whenever she wanted.  After all, I was simply an object that “belonged” to her.  Once I initiated no contact and ignored her completely (not because I wanted to), only then did she stop communicating with me, treating me as if I don’t, didn’t, and never existed.

The difficult part about how and why we ignore each other is that it’s for vastly different reasons.  I still love the woman (the image that she presented), but I know that I cannot reach out to her in any way, as she will act as if nothing bad ever happened and will simply want to use me again, and again, and again, as long as I will let her do it.  It kills me to HAVE TO ignore her.  I want to give her a hug every time I am near her, but I can’t as it invites more narcissistic supply for her, and she has already left me FOUR times.  That’s enough times for me.

Conversely, she ignores me because I am bad.  I questioned her perfection by not simply complying with her every demand.  Now she ignores me simply because I ignore her (for the sake of not losing my mind) and I am being mean to her because I don’t engage her.  Why would I do that, as she is perfect.   Therefore, there must be something wrong with me.  How could I possibly treat her that way?

 

It has been a difficult time.  I still feel the bruises from that harsh 100 MPH to 0 MPH relationship crash.  So there I sat, looking at the back of her head, as her minions treated her as if she was the queen.  And today, she spends Father’s Day with her new supply, just a couple of miles away from me.  Soon, he will be writing his own blog trying to understand what happened too.  Poor SOB.

Simplicity. I Miss It.

 

 

Back in the day, waking up in the morning was different.  Getting up usually included a generally positive outlook and some level of routine leading toward the day’s events.  If it was a weekend, things were even better, with a bit more of a rush to get those early morning jobs out of the way so you could get to the good stuff, the fun stuff, the things that you were looking forward to during the week.

Now, not so much.  It is such a noticeable difference that it cannot be ignored or overlooked no matter how hard I try.  I do get up and I try so hard to be positive and keep busy enough that my mind isn’t constantly thinking about how different things are, but things are SO different that it’s almost impossible not to go down the negative path.

Clearly, when you wake up alone, it is pretty hard to ignore that.  It doesn’t matter how many times I’ve done it (and it’s going on 700 days, which is a lot of days), I just can’t seem to get used to it.  It is a stark reminder of where you were, and where you are.  Yes, I accept and am glad for the fact that a toxic person is out of my life, but the good times were so much larger and longer than the bad times, so for whatever reason it is so easy to focus on the good and minimize the bad.  No, I haven’t forgotten about the bad and all I need to do is revisit the hundreds of pages of journal entries that I recorded to remind me, but doing so is unnatural.  What I mean by that is that it is so much easier for me to recall the good times and not the bad times.

Even the “normal” thoughts seems to get crowded out by the post-narcissist thinking process.  My mother’s birthday is today (Happy Birthday Mom!) and, guess what, I forgot it completely.  This is even after my sister reminded me a few days ago.  Thank goodness for Facebook or I would have completely overlooked it.  That is something that never would have happened in the past.  My mind was a complex processor of dates and activities.  Now, the confusion of my life has displaced that ability, at least temporarily.

I do have a lot of good things in my life that I am very thankful for.  I am not so wacked out that I don’t recognize that.  I also accept that at some point in the future, things will be better, my mind won’t be so occupied with trying to reconcile what has happened, how something that seemed so wonderful could so abruptly and completely become horrible and destructive.  That I essentially retained everything that I had in my life with the exception of my ex is not lost on me.

Funny thing about retaining all of the “stuff”; it isn’t as important to me now as it was then.  That begs the question, was it more important to me before because I knew that my narcissistic ex “needed” or required all the material things in order to be happy, whatever happy is for a narcissist?  It did seem like I was on a never-ending quest to keep her satisfied.  Clearly, whatever I did was not enough and, strangely enough, I knew then that whatever I did wasn’t going to be good enough.  Hmmm…

Simplicity.  There is no such thing as simplicity when you are in a relationship with a narcissist.  Sadly, there is none after a relationship with a narcissist either, at least not for some period of time, the end of which I haven’t reached yet.  I do see glimpses of getting myself back, learning to love me again, not obsessing about my past or what I don’t have every minute of the day.  The memories are still strong, but the sharp edges have been knocked off, and I am probably trying too hard to keep those good memories alive.

I’ve got to let her go in all aspects, which is much harder to do than to say.  Until I do, the simplicity cannot return.  She is and has been gone physically for a long time.  I’ve got to continue my quest to let the rest go too.  I did come across another hand written note in an unexpected place earlier today and I was able to wad it up and throw it away.  That’s progress and it’s something that I have to stick with.  It was pretty simple too.

The simplicity will return.  It has been crowded out by things and thoughts that don’t matter.  I can fix that.  I can.

It’s the Unanswered Questions

It has been nearly two years since the person that I thought was the most wonderful creature on earth decided to leave for the last time.  Since that time, I have experienced all of the various emotional stages including the disbelief, the depression, the anger, and even some weird emotions that I can’t really describe.  I am certainly in a different place than I was right after the final discard, but I’m still not where I want to be.

Even though I have accepted that my ex-wife displayed so many of the attributes of a narcissist, I still struggle with any number of things, most of them self-induced that make me question the whole situation.  There are still certain things that I simply try to avoid because there is the possibility of an emotional response and I am really tired of being emotional.  As a result, I “try” to ignore things that I know I need to take care of which probably just extends my grief even longer.

Okay, if you are confused (and being co-dependent I can sense that you are), let me clarify what I am trying to say.  Nine months before my ex-narc moved out for the last time, she had moved out without warning, resulting in me coming home to an empty house.  After the proper amount of begging and acquiescing, she agreed to come back. Of course, there were no changes to be made on her side, only mine (at that time, I knew nothing about NPD) and I had my long list of changes that I would be making (and she had NO list at all).  Something that she did upon returning was she purchased a whole bunch of different meats, cut it, seasoned it, and added things to it so it could be cooked in a crock pot.  Each of these bags probably weighed 3 to 5 pounds and she marked what they were and froze them.  They have been in the freezer ever since, nine or ten of them.  Yes, they have been in the same freezer, in the same spot, for 2 years.

So many times I have considered throwing them out, but each time I attempted it, I would see her writing on the bag and simply stop.  I don’t know why.  On one particular day, I was able to force myself to throw 2 or 3 into the garbage, and I cried like a damn baby for about an hour.  Again, I don’t know why.  Since then, I have looked at those bags and simply walked away, until tonight when I threw out all but a couple (and those were stuck at this point).  Yes, I felt really conflicted and a bit sad as I forced myself to do it, but I didn’t let it stop me this time.

I have on a number of occasions tried to figure out why I struggle with doing something with these worthless, useless, bags of … stuff.  Is it because I wanted her to return one day and I could say “look, I saved these for you”?  Is it because I simply treasured something with her writing on it, or something that she put effort into?  Could it be because I felt like her putting those bags together was actually an act of love or caring?  I honestly cannot figure it out, and sadly, there are a few other things scattered about the house that I haven’t touched.  No, it’s not a lot, and I have done pretty good making the house my own, but certain things I just avoid.

Quite honestly, I do realze that I need to get rid of those various “things”, yet I struggle to do so.  Once I do eliminate one or more of the forbidden items, I admit that I typically end up feeling better, but it is still hard to do.  I suppose in my weakness, I still desire the love bombing version of her, yet I know without a doubt that I can’t have anything to do with her (which of course begs the question “how can a person like that even exist let alone function in a way that “appears” normal?).  Leaving those things where they are and where they have always been lends some pathetic excuse for or of stability, some kind of melding the past with the present.

The whole situation is fraught with questions.  How did I not notice her issues, why do I continue to care, why doesn’t anyone else see it, why doesn’t her family ever call her out on her behavior and all of her marriages, and on and on.  And then there are my own questions like when will I stop thinking about her, when will my life “seem” normal again, will I ever feel as strongly about someone who is “normal” as I did about her, and on and on.

I have worked through a lot of difficulty in the last couple of years and I am in a lot better place than I was.  With that said, I know I am not done yet and I still have some work to do.  I will not let the questions stand in my way and I am determined to continue my quest to find and live a normal life.  I guess I need to keep eliminating the past reminders, keep breaking down those barriers and moving forward.  What else can I do?