I haven’t written a post in over two months. There’s a reason.
Yep, she is back. In fact, I have been seeing my ex-girlfriend, who I had considered an avoidant personality, for over 2 months now and things are going well. Although I still have questions…
I’m not going to expound a whole lot, other than to say that I probably made several assumptions regarding her being an avoidant that supported my own agenda. At this point, I don’t believe she is “avoidant” in that she is FAR too affectionate and, at least for the last couple of months, doesn’t seem to like it when she isn’t physically with me. Does she have some issues? Most certainly, and that she ghosted me for a couple of months in the not too distant past DOES weigh on my mind.
Where I seem to be struggling the most is that for whatever reason, I seem to be missing my narcissistic ex-wife a lot recently. I have been considering why that is, and I suppose there are a lot of reasons, including it is spring and the lake is thawed, the boats are in the water, the baseball teams are playing, and things like that. All those things that we enjoyed together are in full force. On top of that, my girlfriend and I just got back from a Caribbean cruise, which was something that I have never done with anyone except for my narcissistic ex-wife, and we had done several.
I honestly did have a good time on the cruise, but I will also admit there were times where the thoughts tended to be overwhelming. I did a pretty good job of keeping them in check, but they were still there, bumping and bouncing and trying to force their way to the forefront. I will give myself credit for making it through another milestone, the cruise itself, something that I thought I would never be able to do with someone else. I will also admit that it didn’t feel quite the same, lacking the level of “excitement” of doing the exact same thing with my narcissitic ex-wife.
I guess there are other things causing me to think about the ex-N too. I continue to see her vehicle at work (always parked away from other vehicles like I asked her to do when I bought it for her – I’m still baffled that she does that). I also got to be in a business meeting (for the first time) with her latest victim, I mean boyfriend (yes, he works at the same place that her and I do). I will tell you that I sat there looking at him wondering what he had that I didn’t, until I remembered that isn’t what matters to a narcissist. At some point, he too will find himself wondering what happened, how he ended up alone. Poor bastard. I also wonder if he ever considers that 3 of her 4 husbands have worked at that same place. It has been months since I have run into or physically seen my ex-wife, so that is helpful at least, but there are too many reminders.
With how things have been going, I have determined that I am most certainly at a new point in my life, kind of an in-between place, although it is a place that is further away from the marriage to my ex-N (which has been over 3 years ago now). I have learned how to be alone, have been able to be with other women, and even have someone who is fairly consistent in my life. With that said, things simply do not “feel” like I want them to feel. I am always considering how different, almost boring, things feel when compared to the years with my narcissistic ex-wife. It is something that I really can’t explain, and I doubt that I ever will. I just don’t look forward to things with others like I did with her. It makes no sense, to say it, to hear it, and to feel it. It is the one part of having been with her that I wish I could eradicate. It tends to leave me always searching and longing for that feeling, and I can’t even explain what it is.
I will also add that I have sold the last boat that my ex and I bought together (another one of those magical feeling events and a story in itself). What that means is that other than the house, I have replaced essentially everything that her and I experienced together. Different furniture and artwork, totally different vehicles for me, different boats… Regardless, she is still a part of me that will never be completely gone. I guess that is okay in that I can say that I have never “loved” like that before and I am glad that I got too as it was a special time. Sadly, the devastation that occurred upon her evil departure was equally as memorable (but at least that part is subsiding to the point that I don’t think about it much).
So, the not-so-avoidant girlfriend is back in my life, things are going well (although different than with my ex-wife and even different than things were with my girlfriend previously which is probably a good thing). Additionally, thoughts of the narcissistic ex-wife tend to be pleasant, focusing on the good things versus her craziness, which is also a good thing. Summer is approaching and there are lots of things to do, which is also a good thing.
I am making progress. There were times where I never thought I would make progress. If you are going through the departure of a narcissist, hang in there. It will get better, even when it doesn’t seem that way.