I was just doing a little math and determined it is going on seven months since I last had any contact with my narcissistic ex-girlfriend “Susie”. While there are times that it feels bad and creates doubt and confusion, no-contact is truly the best thing for me to be doing.
During the period of time since I last spoke to Susie, I resumed the circus known as online dating. There is still a big part of me that hopes to find someone new, but even that desire I have been questioning lately. The bottom line is that I am not finding what I am looking for, and I believe there is a valid reason that I’m not. Clearly, in my previous marriage (to another narcissist) and in my relationship with Susie, I was choosing the “wrong” things in a partner. While I recognize those things now, I also should have recognized them prior to initiating (and then resuming 3 more times) my relationship with Susie. What am I trying to say? I still have work to do.
There continue to be times where I long for Susie, but when I do start having those clearly misguided feelings, I have gotten smart enough to question why. I have hundreds of pages of journal truths that I kept along my journey with Susie that prove just how bad she was for me (and everybody else for that matter). My recollections of her at this point include a person that was and is extremely selfish, angry and unhappy with an over-the-top sense of entitlement, arrogant, and never satisfied. Of course, that begs the question as to why I would even think about her let alone question having any kind of contact with her.
This is where the work that I still have to do enters the picture. After everything that I did for her, and I had the full-blown co-dependent give her everything she wants and then more AND THEN feel deflated, needy, and angry because she never appreciated it kind of mentality, I realize that I still maintain some of those wrong and self-hurtful ways of doing things. I have gotten a lot better and actually understand that I did those things for the wrong reasons, trying to please someone that could never be pleased, but there are still remnants of me going after the wrong women in my life. Luckily, I haven’t succeeded in the last few months. Someone is watching out for me, and it isn’t me.
With that said, I am most certainly able to be alone these days. After the divorce from my narcissistic ex-wife over 4 years ago, I simply could not stand to be alone and was constantly in a state of panic, yet didn’t understand why. At the time, I knew nothing about narcissism or co-dependence. I do now, and I am a lot better off for it. However, I still have to actually accept the truths associated with the disorders, put those truths into play, and truly do things differently. I am absolutely convinced that Susie is exactly the same with whomever she is with now as she was with me (and was with before discarding me nearly 7 months ago) and will also continue to be with the next guy, and the next… That I had treated her better than I have EVER treated anyone and, believe me please, I absolutely put everything I possibly could into pleasing her, and that she simply never communicated with me again after our last “event” when I challenged her version of the truth, tells me everything I need to know about her. And me.
I freely admit that I would rather have someone in my life than not have someone, but I also have to realize that I must be absolutely comfortable with myself, that I have to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say “you are a good dude and you’re okay all by yourself” before I will be able to be successful with someone else. I need to be whole all by myself, not 50% waiting for the other 50% in the form of a companion to complete me. It is becoming clearer and clearer to me, and for that, I am really thankful and feel like I am accomplishing something important.
So, the sun is out, the boats will be in the water soon, and this will be the first summer since 2016 where there will be no Susie in the boat. I say so what. Yep, she looked incredible, but when I consider our times in the boat drinking and having fun, the fun part really never manifested itself. What I do recall is her demeaning me on several occasions out of nowhere, telling me that I was not doing enough, that my communication sucked, and asking whether she should believe my words or my actions. That last one she actually said to me several times, and I never did figure out what it actually meant as it just didn’t fit whatever conversation we were having. In fact, at this point I believe that was her projecting, knowing that neither HER words or actions were good enough. At this point, it doesn’t matter and I am just glad that I don’t have to walk on eggshells non-stop, wondering what is going to go wrong next, or questioning if I am doing enough.
The no contact continues. Do I think I will hear from her? Absolutely, I do. At some point, she will again become bored with whatever she has and she will test the waters to see if I will respond, even knowing how horribly she discarded me. I DO remember what she did and how she did it. I am not a doormat that she can wipe her feet on whenever she wants, no matter how awesome she looked in a bikini. I have made it this far without her (or my narcissistic ex-wife) and that is a success in my book. No contact is the ONLY way to keep the kooks out of my life, and I have had enough of the kooks. Here’s to keeping to the continued No-Contact, loving and accepting myself as I am, and one day finding the “right” person, the other 100% individual that will simply add to what I already am and have rather than completing me.