And the next thing you should say is “I’ve got a really bad feeling about this” (yes, all lines from Star Wars, but they fit lol). I had an epiphany this week. I was convinced that my ex-girlfriend “Suzy” was an avoidant. Given my extreme understanding of narcissistic females based on the crazy making and now historical relationship with my clearly narcissistic ex-wife, I thought I would recognize any new narcissists in an instant. Well…, it took reading someone elses post on narcissism to seriously open my eyes. I was honestly depressed when the light came on.
Fellow blogger graceformyheart in a recent post included these words – “We expect relationships to be reciprocal… Narcissistic relationships are not like that… Narcissistic relationships tend to be one-sided. We give and the narcissist takes. It isn’t long before the narcissist demands. If you have been in such a relationship, let me assure you the feeling of being drained is normal…”. I was dumbfounded, convicted, and quite frankly sad. How did I miss it? It precisely described my lengthy relationship with Suzy.
I can’t say that people didn’t warn me, because they certainly did. Over the last 2.5 years, plenty have told me to look out, that if she isn’t a narcissist, that she certainly has narcissistic tendencies. I believe that is how I justified it, that she simply had “tendencies”, and we all have those. Besides, she didn’t do things quite the same as my narcissistic ex-wife. In hindsight, Suzy was much more sinister and much more egregious. After all, her sense of entitlement was so off the charts that she didn’t pay for a THING over the 15 month period that we dated during that 2.5 year span, and she wasn’t a cheap date either. I kept thinking it was coming, but clearly she had no intention of ever paying for a thing. Only after I asked her in our last written correspondence about possibly paying for something occasionally did she immediately tell me everything I thought was wrong, that she was right, and bye-bye. There has been no contact since.
This is the same woman who told me she loved me for the first time after dating for over a year, and then things came crashing down quickly after. The funny thing is, both my relationship with my ex-narcissistic wife and with Suzy ended almost identically. Check this out…
Just a couple of weeks before she moved out for the final time, my ex-wife and I were scheduled to have a weekend vacation in a resort area. That she was heavily devaluing me at the time, I cancelled the reservation and told her it would probably be best if we didn’t go. You would have thought I told her that she was ugly and didn’t deserve to live. She was absolutely livid about it, ranting that she could NOT understand why I wouldn’t want to be with her and that she thought we should go, almost demanding it (even though she was in the process of leaving the relationship). We didn’t go. Let’s shift to Suzy…
Suzy and I were, oddly enough, scheduled to go to the exact same place I was going to take my ex-wife (of course, I made the reservations and paid for it). Prior to going, we were at her cottage and this was the same weekend that she decided she wanted to go through my phone. I let her, but I was NOT happy about it. I subsequently told her that if she didn’t trust me, she probably shouldn’t be with me and I added that I didn’t think we should continue on to the resort . Guess what her response was? Yes, same as my ex-wife, she was livid and blasted me for not wanting to go with her (even though she essentially told me I was a liar and that she didn’t trust me in the prior sentence). Is that ironic or what?
What was it really? It was a missed opportunity for both of them to be on display, to attain glances from so many strangers, to obtain more supply in a place ripe with opportunity. They cared less who they were with, who actually took them there. I was just a means at that point. I have another example of the parallel craziness.
Just prior to the final discard with my ex-wife, I put together a surprise birthday party for her. I gathered up all of her minions and arranged for a pretty good group of people to show up. Everything was going great, and I mean everyone was having fun, the party couldn’t have been going better, and then… A couple of hours into it, she comes up to me, looks me straight in the eyes, and says “I pay half the bills”. Taken aback, I said “excuse me?”, and she repeats in a very calm and soft voice “I pay half the bills”. I wasn’t sure what to think, other than knowing she was full of crap. She had never paid half the bills in our entire history, and on top of that her ex-husband had stopped making child support payments to her a few months earlier and, at that point, she stopped contributing anything. I was both shocked and angry at the same time. I essentially told her that she didn’t, that she knew she didn’t and I started to move away from her. She repeated it again, even knowing I was mad. I’ll come back to this, but on to Suzy…
The very last time Suzy and I were together, I had gone to her house and picked her up (even though I had worked all day and had already driven 100 miles that day) because she wanted me to. I bought dinner (as usual) and brought her to my house. The next day, I tell her about a festival nearby and we agree to go. On the way into town, she suggests we stop for a drink, and who am I to tell her no? It is a nice time, my son joins us, and again, everyone is seemingly having a good time. As she goes outside to vape, I pay the bill and step outside. As I approach her, she starts asking who I was communicating with (my phone was in my hand) and, confused, I ask her what she means. She starts spouting off names of women (some friends, some co-workers, but no one with which I was romantically inclined whatsoever). She then says something about me being untruthful and things took off from there. I got upset and for probably the first time, I shared what I really thought regarding who was being untruthful. Consider this was only about 10 days after the previous looking through my phone incident. I took her home and we haven’t spoken since. I truly believe that she was projecting what she was doing (seeing someone else) which also made it so much easier for her to walk away since she had new supply on tap.
Here’s the thing – it is said that when things are going to well, when there isn’t strife or animosity present, the narcissist will simply create it. These examples run so parallel to each other that I am still amazed by the similarities. Everything was going smoothly, too smoothly, so lets throw some drama into it. They were both pro’s at it and got exactly what they were out to get.
It’s all good though. Accepting Suzy is a full-blown narcissist does make a lot of confusing things fall into place, just like it did with the ex-wife. It also makes it very clear that no-contact is the only way to go. And just to put an exclamation point on it, this is a woman who just four short months ago told me that she loved me and that I continued to be nice to even after all the incidents. Do you think she reached out at all on my birthday this week? Of course not. I am not surprised. It is all good. As long as I keep learning, it’s all good. I will do better next time. I’m going to keep telling myself over and over.