Yet another birthday, and this one came with a surprise. I’ll get to that in a minute…
First, this is the fourth birthday that I have had since my narcissistic ex-wife left for the last time. I can honestly say I have either overcome, or at least gotten used to, the emotions of being alone. While I am not necessarily “happy” to be alone, I am not devastated by it either. Sadly, it has gotten to the point where birthdays feel simply like another day, albeit one that is a bit more noticeable because I am indeed alone.
Speaking of the ex-wife, I did have the opportunity to come across her at work this last week, although luckily she was in her car (yes, the one that I am still paying for). I was walking and she was clearly looking for a parking spot up close to the building since it was 18 degrees, cold and windy. She started driving toward me directionally, although she was about 20 feet away. As has become my routine since going full No Contact a couple of years ago, I paid her no attention, while at the same time I am certain that she noticed me. I have talked in the past about asking her nicely when I purchased that car for her if she could park it away from other cars to keep it from getting dinged or scratched (as it is a “premium” luxury car – nothing but the best for my narcissist). She reluctantly agreed at the time, as she is one of those that will drive in circles trying to get as close to the door as possible. As I continud to walk after seeing her, I am wondering where I will find the car parked upon my return. There was no doubt she was searching for a spot close to the door.
Upon my return, I can’t seem to find the car. As I get to the far end of the lot, lo and behold, there it is, on the very END spot, parked over the line to be as far away from the car next to it as possible. I honestly laughed out loud. I still haven’t figured out if she does that just to mess with my mind or what. She does NOT care about that car and it is now approaching 6 years old. I guess I will likely never figure out the mindset causing that (and probably shouldn’t).
Lets get to the avoidant ex-girlfriend that I haven’t seen or heard from in exactly 8 weeks. That is how long it has been since we had an unfortunate and unplanned “event” following a fun night of partying and hanging out with friends. There was no physical altercation or sexual misconduct involved and it was purely something that shouldn’t have happened and was the result of us both drinking too much. The following day, I immediately apologized for my role and also took responsibility for what occurred (even though it was shared). I never heard a peep other than getting a request and a $10 bill in the mail to send her a coat that she had left at my house. How strange that felt.
I did mail her coat to her, along with a “love letter” of sorts, telling her how much I adored and cared for her, along with another apology. That was approximately 4-5 weeks ago. Again, I received no response, not even an acknowledgement that she received the “package”. 8 weeks passed with absolutely NO contact from her. That ended yesterday…
About 9:50 PM, I get a text from her. It starts out with “Hi John (a fake name I am inserting) I wanted to contact you sooner but I thought to be quiet until things made more sense. It still doesn’t make sense c’est la vie. I miss you John, but unfortunately I still haven’t figured out how to navigate with regards to us after that incident. Albeit I appreciate the apology, the result was reoccurring nightmares which led me to the conclusion that my mind is still disheveled with regards to that mess. I wish things were different. I just wanted to say thanks for the apology, tell you that I hope you are well and I hope you have a great birthday. Donna (again, a fake name I am using).
Again, I am baffled. Reoccurring nightmares? WTH? Here’s the thing – I don’t know what happened after her and I parted ways that night since she NEVER told me. We never spoke after that, so I have no idea why she is having reoccurring nightmares or what that even means.
What baffles me more is why, after not A WORD for 8 weeks, my birthday would mean anything to her. To be absolutely honest, I wasn’t even sure if she knew when my birthday was. No, I didn’t respond to her, and I don’t expect that I will. I also wonder what she expects at this point. Am I supposed to be glad or thankful that she sent me something, i.e. does she think she is taking the higher road? This comes after “ghosting” me for 2 damn months, for not uttering a word for almost 60 days. I didn’t really think I would hear from her again, so this is somewhat surprising, but then again, so what? As weak as I am emotionally (and yes, I was/am incredibly attracted to her and care for her deeply), I can’t be with someone who is capable of simply disappearing for 8 weeks. That is unacceptable, especially considering 2 formal apologies and several texts that went completely unanswered.
So, here I sit, contemplating what is next, what is yet to come. I have several dating possibilities underway that I am not really excited about (although maybe I should be). I guess I have reached that point where I am starting to get used to being alone and actually seeing the benefits of it. No, it doesn’t make me feel happy to be alone necessarily, but being with someone hasn’t ultimately resulted in being happy either. Yes, I do expect to hear from her again. As the memories of our “event” continue to fade and as summer and boating season approach, I believe her avoidant personality will seek what she gave up, convincing herself that she wants to be close to me again, although she will also flee yet again when she gets too close. The real question is this – what will the improved and educated co-dependent, anxious attachment style me do about it?
Each birthday that goes by, I am a little smarter about my old co-dependent self, the one that is more secure in his wants and needs. I’m pretty certain my ex-girlfriend isn’t trying to improve herself (or even feels a need to). I think my answer is in there somewhere.