Surprisingly, in my ongoing relational dilemma with Kari, there is yet another piece to add to the puzzle. We unexpectedly and suddenly stopped seeing each other 10 days ago (in the middle of a vacation that was going well no less). This is after 2 previous and very discomforting breakups in the last 2 years.
I am still desperately attempting to conclude if Kari is yet another sufferer of Narcissistic Personality Disorder that I have allowed to enter my life. Part of me certainly doesn’t want her to be for at least 2 reasons, 1) I thought I had learned enough about the disorder following the final departure of my narcissistic ex-wife that I wouldn’t ever fall into the trap of another narcissist again, and 2) I quite enjoyed having someone attractive in my life to do things with.
No matter, I received an unexpected email from her the night before last (after no contact for 8 days) at 12 midnight. The email said:
”Hi John (I’m inserting a fake name here). I’m sad that things went so south the last time we were together. I would like to see you and talk about things if you want to. Even if we decide not to be together/together, I hope that we will be friends. I love and miss you a lot. Kari”
So first the good – I was glad to receive anything since being Co-Dependent, my mindset was that she wasn’t thinking about me at all. That’s about it for the good stuff.
I had issues come to mind regarding the email immediately. The first thoughts were why at midnight, and why an email versus a text? The second thing I thought about was that nowhere in the email was there any kind of apology or any acceptance of a mistake or wrong doing on her part. That is par for the course as I have never, not once, heard her say she was sorry. And what is the deal with being friends? That is not the first time that has come up and is something that she said the last time we were having difficulty. Is it so she can maintain me on the side when she needs help with something requiring a truck, or maybe she needs a little hook up one night? I don’t work very well in the post-lover friendship thing.
The final statement is it’s own discussion. In over two years (with well over a year of that spent in a dating relationship), she has NEVER penned the words “I love you”. She has only said it a handful of times and, even then, it is typically “love you” minus the “I”. I will even set her up for it when we are somewhere, when I will look in her in the eyes and clearly say “I love you”, and she will just sit there with a little smile on her face and give me no response whatsoever.
She “misses me a lot”? I would really like to ask her just what it is that she is missing, as I really wouldn’t know. Is it the fancy dinners, the back rubs, the boat rides, the trips? I would suspect it is simply having someone to keep her busy so she doesn’t have to think about how empty her life is.
No matter how resolute I am sounding, I am also struggling. There are things about her where I do indeed feel sorry for her, but maybe that is the co-dependent me wanting to help yet again. What if I am off base, that she isn’t a narcissist? But then I start to think about how many times she has purposely entered drama into our relationship, usually in a manner that makes me feel bad about myself. As much as I would like to overlook those things, including ghosting me for nearly 3 months, departing from my life 3 times now without any seeming issue (initially at least), it does make me want to make it stop. My mind wants to get “us” to a good place, to a place where these things don’t happen, but I am also smart enough to know at this point that history indicates that isn’t going to happen.
I haven’t responded to her and, at this point, I don’t have any intention or plan to. Surely, I want to, but I also expect that if we did “talk about things” like she stated, the “talk” would end up being about all of the things that I do wrong, that I need to fix, while deflecting any wrong doing or needed changes on her part. I can only imagine what would happen if I suggested that she start paying for some things, not even half, but just some things. It’s bad that I even have to be afraid of broaching such a subject.
So, the saga continues, but so does the quietness on my side. I’m exhausted and don’t even want to think about it anymore. If there was an “I’m sorry” in that email, would it make a difference? It might, but there’s not, so that tells me all that I need to know for now.