Well, it is going on a year since my last post. That is a long period of time considering I previously developed several posts a month and, during earlier times, several posts a week! I did it as a positive method of venting my anguish, frustration, and anger regarding the loss, or rather the final departure, of my narcissistic ex-wife. So what has changed…
I would love to say that at some point, you simply forget about the ex-narcissist, but that isn’t totally true. Rather, it seems you simply learn to accept who they are and do your best to move on. Oh, the thoughts are definitely still there, especially the positive memories. But as time marches forward, the detail associated with the memory begins to fade, as if the edges of that memory become rounder, softer. In all honesty, I am my own worst enemy when it comes to the memories of my ex-N, as I bring them up myself from time to time, but they also don’t have nearly the impact they used to. Yes, things do get better.
A number of things have helped with the moving on phase. First and foremost, I do have someone else in my life now (going on 9 months), and she has been a great help in developing new memories. Sadly, it doesn’t seem like our activities have quite the “high” that activities with the narcissist did, but that is to be expected given that things with the narcissist are not what they appear to be. With that said, at least I am not paranoid that any disagreement is going to result in a brutal discard. It is quite refreshing to be able to have a disagreement, and actually have a mutual conversation about it (like adults and not children).
Another thing that has helped with moving forward is that I no longer work at the same facility as my ex. That was a brutal experience, having to see her regularly. It has been 6 months now since I have crossed paths with her. Even more bizarre that that is that it has been nearly 7 years since she moved out for the final time, and that we have not spoken a word or even acknowledged one another in 6 years. I didn’t want to implement no-contact, but she left me no choice. Once I stopped acquiescing to her every need (even after she moved out), she was so angry (as a narcissist would be), that she also stopped acknowledging me. That is how it has been for all those years since and, believe me, it was difficult and totally bizarre. It still freaks me out to a certain extent that a woman that I was married to and did so many things with is like a complete stranger now. It’s just weird.
I have also pretty much changed out everything peripheral in my life with the exception of the house. Cars, boats, just about anything she touched in anyway has been replaced by something new (and better). I have no intention of selling the house (that we purchased together) as it was and is my dream house and it really angered her that I was able to keep it following the divorce. Her goal was to see me stripped of everything when, in reality, I lost nothing but some amount of cash (and my self-respect for awhile). I have recovered everything and more.
Summer is approaching and that tends to result in nostalgic thoughts given that I tend to spend a lot of time on the water. Lake activities are where we spent the most time. Again, over the last couple of years, those remembrances have gotten softer and I am sure there are a lot of things that I have even forgotten about. I am certain this summer, the memories will be even more hazy, and the new events will further block out the old. I am good with that.
I do still have some “cleaning” to do, as I have a closet full of things associated with her. Like any normal person, you tend to want to hold onto those memories, maybe even hoping (at least initially) that the person will return to your life and the memories will continue on. With the narcissist however, it’s a sad realization that the activities and associated memories weren’t what they appeared to be at the time. I’m confident there were times that she actually cared about me, and we certainly had a lot of fun, but her reasons why things were enjoyable were most certainly different than mine. It took a long time to realize and accept that, but I finally have. It’s time to gather those things up and at least move them if not discard them. It will feel as if I am throwing away a part of my life. I have, over time, thrown some things away, and now I don’t even remember what they were, so this is just another step in moving forward. Again, things do get better.
Yep, she’s gone, she’s been gone, and I have totally survived. Back then, I never thought this day would come, but it has. Time does heal. I do wish so much time wasn’t necessary, but I had things to learn too. She will continue to cycle men through her life (3 so far that I am aware of since we split) and I will be all the better as a result of moving through that phase of my life. If you are struggling with leaving a narcissist, DO IT, and do your best not to look back. There is NO other option.
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