Things continue to evolve in the post-narcissist life that I am living, and I continue to evaluate what I am feeling, and why.
Recently, something that stood out is how boring my life seems now. My narcissistic ex-wife left for the final time two and a half years ago. Immediately after, I pretty much didn’t do anything but obsess over what had happened and what I could do about it. Not knowing about narcissism at that time, I tried all of the “normal” things, the begging followed by trying to be distant, the “how can I help you” attitude that the narcissist lives for. I simply didn’t realize how much she was enjoying my anguish, stringing me along just enough to keep it going, while also knowing full well that she already had someone else in her life (although I didn’t know that at the time). Anyway, there wasn’t much going on besides dealing with what was happening.
In the last year or so, I have started doing a lot more things, hanging out with a lot more people, dating (far too much), basically keeping pretty busy. Even with all of the activities, I find myself bored to death. How can that be? Why don’t things feel the same? I don’t have an answer. I guess it must have been all of the theatrics and the sense of adventure whenever I was with my ex-wife. For certain, we were ALWAYS doing something, going somewhere, but even the mundane things that we did seemed to be more fulfilling, more exciting. That seems to be gone now and I am at a loss as to why. There is really nothing that I can do about it, but I find it really baffling.
Knowing that things at least “seem” more boring, I started to think about those events in the past and how I felt. Here’s the thing – when I really, really think about and remember my ex-wife’s behavior and emotions, there wasn’t much there, at least not when it was about “us”. Yes, when she was basked in attention, she was electric, she was really truly alive. I can see that when I think back, but I can also clearly see that had NOTHING to do with me! The times when she was most excited and seemed happiest, she was getting attention and supply from outside sources, whether at a baseball game, a lake party at the house, on a cruise ship… yes, I was there but I was not the reason she was so happy. It was her control and command of receiving considerable attention and supply when she was happiest. I just happened to be along for the ride.
Still looking back, when the external sources of supply weren’t there (or she didn’t foresee the opportunity in the near-future), she became very quiet, very subdued, almost like a different person. I never really understood what that was. Now I do.
Getting back to the boredom, it may very well be that her desire and need for attention kept us on the move all the time. I thought it was about her and I which, of course, made me feel happy, excited, and in love. That’s what everybody wants, right? It felt exciting and adventurous because it was, only the two of us had different reasons or ideas as to why that was. I thought we were doing those things as part of building our lives together, in creating memories. She was doing it because she craved the attention, being in the spotlight, and I was the perfect target to provide her with all of the opportunities to get what she was looking for. She saw what she could get, and she took it. And I was none to the wiser and simply gave it to her.
So, to put things in better perspective, I shouldn’t feel so bored now. What I should really feel is duped into believing when we were together that things were as exciting and loving as they were, because they simply were not. Our life together was not what it appeared to be and, looking back, it is easy to see that now. I’m okay with that and it doesn’t really bother me that much anymore. In fact, I am actually starting to feel sorry for her. When I hear or see things at work (yes, we still work fairly close together), I can make complete sense of them and make them fit into the completely predictable world of the narcissist. It is a really sad thing actually.
Am I really bored now? No, it is just another adjustment of how I have to view things in my life post-narcissist. One of these days (and I honesty can feel it getting closer and closer), I am going to come across a genuine person that will share those feelings of happiness, love, and excitement in normal ways. There will be nothing boring about that.
apensiveheart's Blog 
I was bored and lonely when I was with my narcissist. He had time for everybody and everything but me.
That saying about getting comfortable with being lonely fits him to a tee. He hated to be alone and picked up the first tramp who showed him any attention. Now, he is paying all of her bills in exchange for companionship.
All’s fair. 🙂
My narcissist was obviously different than yours so I guess I can understand your boredom. It would be hard to get used to doing nothing. Some day, you will find somebody who will knock your socks off! 🙂
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Laurel, I hope you are right. I’m ready to have my socks knocked off lol.
My narcissist did keep us on the go constantly and I understand why now. With that said, if we would have stayed together, I suspect her doing things with others instead of me would have increased. That I wouldn’t allow that to happen is probably why we aren’t together (or at least why it ended so quickly). That and her parents wouldn’t have allowed her to openly have more than one relationship at a time (if they only knew how she actually operated, the idiots).
Anyway, thanks for the feedback and heres to hoping my socks get knocked off soon. 🙂
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Keeping my fingers crossed for ya!! 🌹🌹🌹
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Thanks Survived. I can use all of the help that I can get. 🙂
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“The times when she was most excited and seemed happiest, she was getting attention and supply from outside sources, whether at a baseball game, a lake party at the house, on a cruise ship… yes, I was there but I was not the reason she was so happy. It was her control and command of receiving considerable attention and supply when she was happiest. I just happened to be along for the ride.
Still looking back, when the external sources of supply weren’t there (or she didn’t foresee the opportunity in the near-future), she became very quiet, very subdued, almost like a different person. I never really understood what that was. Now I do.”
Ho boy do I ever know this feeling. My marriage of 16 years fell apart last fall (though it’s been running on fumes for the past 4), and during the past few years I knew this feeling all too well.
It was NEVER me she wanted. It was the life I provided. And recognizing I spent almost 20 years of my life (18 1/2 when you count the dating years) with someone who didn’t actually want me for ME? Not at great realization.
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Drew, I am so sorry my friend. That is too bad. I will admit, I could sense from some of your later posts that things weren’t going well. You didn’t have to say anything specific about it, but the “feel” of your posts was a bit different.
It’s too bad people can’t be honest with their thoughts and/or feelings. They could at least be committed one way or the other, either committed to you, or committed to not being with you. The wishy washy push and pull is really hard to deal with. I know exactly how you were feeling.
Hang in their buddy. I sense you are already at peace with what has happened It’s almost like watching a loved one with a terminal illness die over several years, and when they finally do die, it is almost anticlimactic, maybe even a relief. Regardless, take care of yourself my friend. I’ll be praying for you and hoping things go well.
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Don’t know if you’re still reading this 6 years later, but I am totally struggling with this. Boredom after being divorced from my ex-husband narcissist. I came across this blog post when doing a Google search on bored after narcissist or something like that. We were always doing something, and he always sounds like his life is so fun and exciting. And I have said to people since then that I don’t think anyone could actually be that exciting all the time if there wasn’t something wrong with them in terms of them needing a lot of attention. Because it takes a lot of energy to put out that kind of charisma and verve and why would anyone do it if they didn’t have some underlying deep-seated unhealthy need. He was just as happy to get the attention from me as from anybody else though. He was classic grandiose, and everything with him is larger than life. Now my life just seems meh. It makes me so mad that he couldn’t not be an Ahole because we could’ve had so much fun if he didn’t treat me like a piece of crap, a good percentage of the time.
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I do periodically take a look. I continue to struggle with this aspect, i.e., I have had several relationships since the ex became the ex, but never have any of them come close to the excitement I experienced with the narcissist. I have concluded that is simply how it will be going forward (unless it was another narcissist). With that said, my relationships also haven’t worked out because I continue to search for that level of activity and it simply doesn’t exist with a secure, normal partner. Regardless, it is what it is and, while I miss parts of that relationship, I don’t ever want to go back (no, we haven’t spoken or had any contact in years) nor do I want to experience the dislike and discard that always accompanies the end of that kind of relationship.
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