Remembering the Narcissist.

For those of us that have lived in a narcissistic relationship(s), it is difficult to not remember.  In my case, I have had two such relationships that I still reminisce about.  These include my narcissistic ex-wife that divorced me almost 5 years ago AND my narcissistic ex-girlfriend Suzy that I haven’t communicated with in exactly one year.  This time of year is especially difficult as things seem so somber with summer winding down, the sun and the sky looking different, the leaves starting to become more colorful.

There are also plenty of reminders.  Last week I was “lucky” enough to come across my ex-wife.  We still work at the same facility and occasionally our paths will cross.  In this instance, I happened to be near a window as she was walking away from the building, so I stood there for a moment watching her and pondering things.  My first thoughts always tend to include how much I still love her, although what I love is who she pretended to be just for me.  To highlight that, her current boyfriend who also works there and would be the 4th man from the same facility that she married (and the 5th husband) is a weight lifter.  Guess what her current interest is?  Yep, you guessed it, she is doing the power lifting thing too.  On top of that, her hair is now pure black where it was blonde when she was with me.  Yes, she has again shape shifted into a completely different person for yet another intended target.

I stood there and watched her walk away (and get into the expensive luxury car that I purchased for her just before she left for the final time).  I knew who I was looking at while at the same time I had no clue who I was looking at.  I was somewhat sad, while at the same time I was relieved that I didn’t have to deal with the eggshells and the constant wondering of what was going to happen next.  Yes, I missed the woman that “I” knew, but that woman wasn’t real and she is now very clearly gone.  Oh, the fact that we haven’t spoken one word to each other in 3 or 4 years makes it easier too.  My implementing no contact after discovering narcissism has resulted in her ignoring me as well since there must be something wrong with me since I don’t want anything to do with her.  Sadly, friends and co-workers continue to give me updates and show me social media photos of her, whether I want to see them or not.  I tend to just look away and say thanks but no thanks.

Let’s shift to my ex-girlfriend Suzy for a bit.  That is was during this very season one year ago that I stopped seeing her is certainly not lost on me.  That she is now married simply puts the exclamation point on how screwed up things were.  I knew they were,  but I tended to ignore it, to try to control things rather than just walk away (even though I told myself over and over in my journal that I had to end things).  No, at the time I did not know she was yet another narcissist (or I buried it very well).  It was only after fellow bloggers commented over and over about the possibility in earlier posts concerning her that I started to piece things together.  Just like my ex-wife, her departure was very sudden and unexpected (although not surprising considering it had happened with her on several earlier occasions).  I can remember our last outing as if it occurred yesterday and, in fact, it feels like it WAS just yesterday.

That last encounter was indeed THE last because I actually challenged her strongly for the first time, turned around her statement that I “wasn’t being truthful to her”.  It became a golden opportunity for me to take all of her gas-lighting episodes, all those times where she spit untruths and lies, and outline to her that I put the pieces together and boldly provided her with all of her untruths.  When she attempted to refute things, I provided even more detail of what she had said or done (thanks to all of my journaling that I had done over the 2+ year period).  She was actually speechless and made the statement that “maybe she should stop talking”.  I took her home and that has been it.  We have never seen each other or spoke another word since, even after dating for over 2 years.  And now she is married.  I am guessing the new supply she had been courting when she initiated that last argument could possibly be the new man.

Here’s the thing – she knew exactly what she was doing with that last argument.  It was a perfect setup.  The narcissist does not want to be the “bad person” since they believe they are perfect and we are the flawed ones.  She needed exactly what happened to happen in order to walk away feeling good about herself, that I essentially ended the relationship.  I didn’t really understand it at the moment, but it is really easy to connect the dots.

Now, it is simply the memories of both.  Yes, I did do some dating after that last blowup with Suzy a year ago, but nothing has worked out.  It used to bother me being alone and the dating kind of filled that gap a bit.  Now, understanding narcissism, co-dependence, and attachment styles a whole lot better, I don’t really care that much.  I am able to be alone now where in the past being alone instilled panic.  I am also able to look fondly upon the pleasant parts of my relationships with them both while also accepting there was a lot of bad in those relationships.

Being able to accurately reflect back is definitely a plus.  I have a goal.  That goal is to ultimately be in that relationship that is skewed more toward those pleasant memories, having the positive moments without wondering when the bottom is going to drop out.  One day, it will happen.  Until then, I have all those memories, including those not associated with them, to reflect on.

I Thought I was Done with Narcissists! Not So Much.

Well, I have been doing a lot of thinking.  I have been thinking in combination with pouring over my old posts as well as reading through my personal journal entires over and over for the past few days.  As a result of a comment made to my last post (thanks DK!), I have come to the realization that I thought I knew so much about narcissism that I wouldn’t have to deal with it ever again.  Apparently, I was wrong.

It has been over a week now since I had any communication with my now apparently ex-girlfriend Kari (also referred to as Suzy in some of my earlier posts).  We had a disagreement last week (initiated by her for reasons that I have yet to figure out, although it does make more sense now as you will see).  A little over a week ago following the disagreement, I sent her an “I love you” goodnight text, and she essentially sent me an “I don’t like you, goodbye” text.  I didn’t respond to it, and there has been no communication since.  Oh, and this is the 3rd time in 2 years that she has vanished for reasons that I really didn’t understand.

Interestingly enough, my narcissistic ex-wife vanished 4 times before she was gone for good.  Her departures weren’t very nice nor did they make any sense either.  Is there a similarity here?  I didn’t really notice one as things were happening.  Apparently my eyes were wide shut!

After receiving a comment in my last post asking if I had considered that Kari may possibly have narcissistic tendencies, I initially dismissed it immediately.  After all, I went through an extremely difficult devalue and discard process with my ex-wife on multiple occasions, finally learning that she was a candidate for Narcissist of the Year, and took it upon myself to learn as much as I possibly could.  I vowed to never go through that living hell again.  With that said, I am not too proud to admit that I may have overlooked some things (although I truly hoped that I hadn’t), so I started looking back at the last 2 years with Kari.

Luckily, one thing that I did before I knew my ex-wife was a narcissist was log things that were happening and how I felt about them in a journal.  I couldn’t understand the craziness and found that recording it was good therapy, and I continued it throughout the final devalue and discard all the way to the divorce (and even the craziness after the divorce).  I continued to make journal entries after my divorce once I had started dating again too.  It was mainly to capture how I felt about someone I went on a date with, what my initial impressions were.  For those that I went on more than one date with, I continued to record my thoughts and feelings.

Kari and I began dating back in August of 2016.  I will never forget the first time we met as I had made the comment in my journal that when I saw her approaching for the first time, I was saying “please, please be the one that is coming to sit here at this table with me” versus feeling just the opposite on so many other dates.  She was and is incredibly physically attractive and appealing.  Something else that I included in my journal entry regarding our first date was that she quickly sat down and didn’t say a word.  Instead, she just sat there, staring at me.  This went on long enough that I started to feel a bit uncomfortable.  I figured she was just sizing me up.  In hindsight, this was more likely the well documented “narcissistic stare”, where she was indeed sizing me up, beginning her quest to identify just what she could take from me.  I was too busy being overwhelmed by her beauty to even think about it.

I have nearly one hundred pages of journal entries regarding my time with Kari, including the breakups and the returns.  Overwhelmingly, the journal points to the crazy making, where everything would be going just fine, and then she would insert some type of comment or discussion on how little I was doing for her, that I needed to do more, that I wasn’t trying hard enough.  I can honestly say that I have NEVER tried harder to please a woman in my life.  I would include my thoughts such as “I do not know what else I can do”, yet I would order more flowers, or take her to a bigger, better place.  This continued, week in and week out, a constant up and down pattern with me saying “I really don’t want to do this anymore”, but I knew “I” could fix it.  Obviously, I wasn’t paying attention to what was really occurring.

Not once in my journal do I have an entry that indicates any kind of empathy, gratitude, or remorse.  I had gotten so used to making such an incredible effort that it almost became a contest to me, to see how long I could keep her satisfied.  Sadly, it never seemed to be for very long.  Typically, a week would be the maximum without some kind of issue, some kind of devaluing occurring.  I will say, she was much more clever about it than my ex-wife.  Kari could demean you without you even noticing, instead causing you to just try harder, to give more.

Something else I recorded multiple times is that under normal circumstances, she could not look me in the eye.  During discussions, activities, or even sex, if I tried to look directly into her eyes, she would look away.  However, there were so many journal entries identifying that during the most unexpected times, I would look over at Kari to find her staring at me with this crazy little smile on her face, as if she was devouring me.  Geez, how did I miss what she was really doing?  Oh, and if she had sunglasses on, she could look directly at me, but obviously I was unable to make actual eye contact.  She knew what she was doing.

Long story short, I have apparently been under the spell of yet another narcissist.  Nearly all of the traits apply.  I really hate putting people in a box, especially since I am not a true “expert”, but the similarities between Kari and my ex-N, while executed differently, are nearly identical.  Obviously I need to never let my guard down, continue to log future encounters with women I may meet in my journal, AND do an aggregate review of what is really happening once in awhile.  I cannot let physical beauty blind me to what is really going on.  I know better now (and I thought I knew better then).

Pay attention out there.  They’re there, and you just may not notice.  No Contact, here I come again.

The Truth. Sometimes It Hurts. But It’s the Truth!

I have had an interesting week, thought wise anyway.  As a result of some comments that I have received to my last few posts, I have felt a little (maybe a bit more than a little) challenged to start looking at my post-narcissist life differently.  I have definitely been a bit stagnant, stuck in an unhealthy spot where I have continued to think about, pine over, and even have some weird desire for my narcissistic ex-wife.

Thanks to some rather pointed comments from a few folks (Amadeus and Catherine in particular), I was forced to look at what I was doing and where I was at.  Quite frankly, I have made some good progress over the last several months.  However, I believe that my new comfort zone, since my ex has been gone, was to recollect, analyze, and talk to myself about all of the things that happened over the last few years, over and over.  It had simply become my new way of life, as if thinking about it and talking to myself about it constantly would somehow change the outcome.  It had even gotten to where if I didn’t think about things, I would feel bad about it, as if I was being remiss in my duties and responsibilities, although to whom I’m not sure.

One of the issues that I have been struggling with is dating, or more appropriately, my lack of success in finding any long (or even short) term interests.  I was wisely asked in a blog post comment what it is that I am looking for, what is it I am hoping to find?  When I really thought about that, the answer was pathetic and even scary.  I found myself trying to find essentially a duplicate of my ex!  Why in the world would I want to do such a thing?  I really started to think about that and the best answer I could come up with is that I enjoyed certain parts of life with my ex so much that I wanted to find that “feeling”, that kind of magic again, and what better way than to look for something similar (if not exactly the same).  That is probably the dumbest thing I could do, as there is only one of her and I certainly do not want her or anyone like her ever again.  The advice that I got was that I may want to consider looking for someone totally outside or opposite of what I would normally look for, which is good advice considering what I had found (and married) that I thought was right really didn’t work out so well.  It is so easy to get stuck in what is “normal”, even when it’s not the best.

Another issue that I had to evaluate was why I was asking the same questions over and over, as if the answers were somehow going to change.  I had actually progressed to a point where I accepted that my ex was a narcissist, that my co-dependence certainly played a part in how things happened, and that I could never and should never want to be with my ex again (which after being discarded 4 times, you would think would be a no brainer).  But nope, in my confusion and need to have ALL the answers wrapped up in a nice, neat little package, I continued to ask, even obsess over what had happened, what my role was, how could it have been different, and I was doing that while showing no signs of slowing, let alone ever stopping.

With some of the recent comments, I felt a little taken aback at first, maybe even a bit like a victim.  I mean geez, I feel bad enough already, right?  Being the evaluator that I am, I continued to think about what people were telling me and, after stepping back and looking at it from an outside perspective, they were exactly right.  I had gotten so used to my routine that it became my only way of thinking.  Seeing the perspective of someone outside was the slap upside the head that I needed.  Oh, I may slip back into my victim mode occasionally, but this week was really the first time in a long time that I again started looking at things in a new way, forcing myself to move forward.

Was it an epiphany?  I don’t really know.  Over the last few months I have certainly been turning a corner in my life.  At a minimum, the comments caused me to turn the wheel a little more, making that corner that I was rounding a little sharper.  It feels quite good, and I honestly found myself thinking about my ex a whole lot less over the last few days.  We can get so wrapped up in our own little world that we don’t see any alternate options.  It’s like we live our own Groundhog Day over and over, thinking that things are just going to magically change.  Not so much.  It takes effort and a change in thinking.  Let’s face it, the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different outcome.  Just because I feel insane doesn’t mean I actually want to be insane.  So guys, thanks for the comments.  They really do help.

The truth is always a good thing.  Here’s to more truth (and moving away from my crappy old life)!