I have gotten to the point where I feel the need to develop a post, but I just don’t know what to say anymore. I am still not content and still searching for that elusive overall peace that I’m hoping to find. Oh, and there is always that new love of my life that I still, after 4+ years, haven’t found. It’s a weird place to be.
I think where I’m at is a culmination of a number of things all coming together at once that are leaving me feeling a bit off-balance. For one, I have yet another birthday approaching that I will be spending alone. It’s one of those milestones where every year I tell myself “next year is going to be different and I’m going to have a significant other to share it with me…”. Nope, not this year, again. I have reasons why I think this continues, but more on that further down the page.
Something else is I had a friend at work come into my office this most recent Friday and tell me he had run into my ex-narcissist in another building at work. He told me he could not believe “how rough she looked” and that “she has aged considerably in the last couple of years”. I’m not sure why I struggled with that. You would think I would be happy about it, maybe sense a little karma, but no. I actually felt a little bad for her. I guess that is the me that still has some level of feelings for her, or at the least the “her” that I thought she was. I continue to be amused that I haven’t spoken to her face-to-face in well over 3 years, even though we pass one another occasionally (yes, we still both work at the same facility). I have accepted what she is.
Then there is the fact that I still continue to think about my avoidant ex-girlfriend. It’s been 17 weeks now since “Suzy” and I have had any contact, with the last bit being her essentially telling me I was screwed up, she wasn’t, and good luck. Since then, I have done a pretty good job of convincing myself that she was and continues to be bad for me (or anyone else for that matter). At the same time, I can’t help but wonder how a seemingly decent person can allow someone to put the amount of time and emotional energy (not to mention $$$) into her that I did and then just simply shut the door. I know, it’s not all that uncommon, but this is me thinking out loud, and the thought is there. Yes, I have considered what other’s have told me, i.e. that she has considerable narcissistic tendencies (and I have regrettably come to agree with them). Yes, my dislike of rejection has something to do with it too, but it is more than that. I like to think that she is indeed thinking about me and what she so willingly and easily gave up, but that is probably not the case and is simply me projecting. I suppose having the ex-narcissist and then the ex-avoidant in succession leaves me wondering about humanity a little bit, asking if there really are any decent people out there? I believe there are – I just don’t seem to “pick” them.
Finally, there is the fact that my latest dating “friend” also is no longer, although at least this time it is of my own choice. Once again, I believe that I made someone who I didn’t know into someone that I wanted to know. I built her into someone that she wasn’t. As soon as I confirmed that was the case, I put a stop to it. Yes, she was nice, but she lived nearly 2 hours away and also, due to her ethnicity, we struggled with communication. I also just didn’t feel that giddiness that I long for… which leads me back to where I was going in the second paragraph above. Why haven’t things changed much in the last 4+ years.
Some things have indeed actually changed. I’m not depressed, panicked, or just feeling lost like I have in the past. There have been some good things happen and some good times, I have learned more about myself, learned to live alone, learned to take more chances… but I’m still alone. I never would have dreamed that nearly 5 years after the final departure of my narcissistic ex-wife that I would STILL be alone. What is it and what can I do to change it?
There are several answers to that question. One, I continue to search for that fantasy woman, the one that both the narcissist and the avoidant were able to, for lack of a better term, portray. On the outside, they were beautiful, charming, energetic, all those shallow qualities the typical male desires. But on the inside, they are conflicted, angry, valueless, vain, unloving, selfish, greedy, and a bunch of other less than desirable qualities. The bottom line is that I keep looking for the WRONG woman. On top of that, I still lack patience. I have been on a mission to find what’s missing in my life and that clearly isn’t working. I am moving so fast that I am not able to see what I am passing right by. I have to slow down. That is hard for me to do, if not impossible.
So I sit here reminiscing, thinking far too much about my ex-avoidant girlfriend, being disappointed in my recent “possibility” that didn’t work out, and wondering what will happen next, and when. I can say that I do NOT consider my ex-narcissist anymore, that I have pretty effectively let that go. Yes, I think about things that we did and that she had a special “feeling” about her, but I also chalk that up to her narcissistic abilities and that very little of it was real. I do feel victory in that.
One more birthday alone. I can do it. I don’t necessarily want to, but I need to reflect on the changes that I have made, that I continue to change and improve, and that maybe this will be the last birthday alone. If there is anything I have learned it is that time continues to march forward, and there is no way to stop it. You can either go with it, or fight it. I am tired of fighting. Here’s to my final birthday alone.