Last week, I wrote a post about the recent and sudden departure of my girlfriend of several months and the impact that was having on me. At the time, I was proud to say that I was going to control my reaction(s), given that I was now aware of my co-dependent tendencies. I was aware due to being married to a narcissistic woman for several years, learning about narcissism, and also about my own issues with co-dependence.
With all of that said, I continue to be proud to say that I haven’t given in, I haven’t panicked, and I haven’t reached out to her since communicating a formal apology. I am also sad to say, there hasn’t been any contact between us whatsoever in the last week.
This is not where I thought things would end up. I can’t say that I am totally surprised, but I’m also a bit taken aback as well. Because I am an introspective person, I tend to evaluate over and over what happened, what went wrong, how I could have done things differently, and how things may have been averted. Sadly, no matter how much I think about and evaluate what occurred, it doesn’t change anything and I still sit here alone, believing that somehow, I just don’t quite measure up given the fact that I haven’t heard a peep from her.
I will admit, given the circumstances, I don’t want her back at this point. I can honestly say that for the past 5.5 months, I essentially poured myself into this woman. It is probably safe to say that is how most co-dependents would respond, going all in and giving everything they have. Because I can’t sit still, there were plenty of activities (pretty much non-stop actually), trips, dinners, boat rides on the lake, sun bathing, Las Vegas, up-state mini vacations, just an endless list of things done.
Without reservation, I can say that I planned those things, paid for those things, and was over the top nice and caring to this woman. If we were together, I was touching her somewhere, whether holding her hand, massaging her back, or rubbing her head, there was no doubt that I cared greatly for her. There wasn’t a day that we were together that I didn’t tell her how beautiful she was. In hindsight, I can’t say the same for her, that she reciprocated even in the least. It is almost embarrassing looking back, as she paid for nothing (and I sincerely, honesty mean NOTHING when it had anything to do with the two of us), didn’t go out of her way to make me feel comfortable or secure or attractive…
Here’s the thing – At the time, I took note of those things, accepted them, and thought at some point, she would recognize them or acknowledge them. Don’t get me wrong, she was affectionate and never pushed me away or made me feel that she didn’t want to be with me, but she also didn’t make me feel “special”, or that she felt lucky to have me.
Yep, the co-dependent me was definitely involved in the relationship. Was it because she was over-the-top attractive that I was willing to go above and beyond just to keep her interested? Did I know that it was just a matter of time until I slipped and she left OR that I realized maybe she wasn’t where I belonged in the first place? I am not really sure. What I definitely didn’t expect was for ALL of the positive things that I have done, that have occurred over the last several months, and the list is endless, to be eliminated in a single instance.
Is she sitting at home remembering all of those good times, all of those memories that we made? Is she regretting simply closing the door and not even acknowledging that I exist? Sadly, I think not. I suspect that she feels totally justified at this point. I apologized formally and several times informally, asking for forgiveness and how I might make amends. Not only has she not accepted her responsibility in our little event (which was aided, if not caused, by too much alcohol on both our parts), she hasn’t even acknowledged my apologies, let alone forgiven me.
Being the co-dependent that I am, I have already forgiven her for her role. I really have, even knowing that I will likely never see her again. Sadly, again because I am co-dependent, I don’t know how people are so willing to accept no communication, the lack of consideration of anyone else’s feelings or understanding of a situation, and have the ability to simply walk away. That is the nightmare scenario for someone like me – complete rejection and the resulting loneliness that accompanies it.
Happily, I recognize why I feel and act the way that I do, and I am controlling and learning from it. I am sad, but not depressed. I also accept that just like the feelings following the departure of my narcissistic ex-wife, these feelings too will pass. There is someone out there that will appreciate me in a way that I can accept and embrace. Until that time, I will continue to push forward, evaluating what is happening in my life, but not allowing it to control me like it used to. No, I am NOT looking forward to dating new women yet again, but that is the hand I have been dealt. I will continue to learn and get better.
Moving on, and up, once again…