Me and My Co-Dependence – Part 2

63BD9BDD-7123-4C4C-ABCD-E38C808D7E05

Last week, I wrote a post about the recent and sudden departure of my girlfriend of several months and the impact that was having on me.  At the time, I was proud to say that I was going to control my reaction(s), given that I was now aware of my co-dependent tendencies.  I was aware due to being married to a narcissistic woman for several years, learning about narcissism, and also about my own issues with co-dependence.

With all of that said, I continue to be proud to say that I haven’t given in, I haven’t panicked, and I haven’t reached out to her since communicating a formal apology.  I am also sad to say, there hasn’t been any contact between us whatsoever in the last week.

This is not where I thought things would end up.  I can’t say that I am totally surprised, but I’m also a bit taken aback as well.  Because I am an introspective person, I tend to evaluate over and over what happened, what went wrong, how I could have done things differently, and how things may have been averted.  Sadly, no matter how much I think about and evaluate what occurred, it doesn’t change anything and I still sit here alone, believing that somehow, I just don’t quite measure up given the fact that I haven’t heard a peep from her.

647278EE-247B-4D02-8001-216B4A076C02

I will admit, given the circumstances, I don’t want her back at this point.  I can honestly say that for the past 5.5 months, I essentially poured myself into this woman.  It is probably safe to say that is how most co-dependents would respond, going all in and giving everything they have.  Because I can’t sit still, there were plenty of activities (pretty much non-stop actually), trips, dinners, boat rides on the lake, sun bathing, Las Vegas, up-state mini vacations, just an endless list of things done.

Without reservation, I can say that I planned those things, paid for those things, and was over the top nice and caring to this woman.  If we were together, I was touching her somewhere, whether holding her hand, massaging her back, or rubbing her head, there was no doubt that I cared greatly for her.  There wasn’t a day that we were together that I didn’t tell her how beautiful she was.  In hindsight, I can’t say the same for her, that she reciprocated even in the least.  It is almost embarrassing looking back, as she paid for nothing (and I sincerely, honesty mean NOTHING when it had anything to do with the two of us), didn’t go out of her way to make me feel comfortable or secure or attractive…

FAD127D3-2B2E-4B37-AE0F-595FAEC5AA84

Here’s the thing – At the time, I took note of those things, accepted them, and thought at some point, she would recognize them or acknowledge them.  Don’t get me wrong, she was affectionate and never pushed me away or made me feel that she didn’t want to be with me, but she also didn’t make me feel “special”, or that she felt lucky to have me.

Yep, the co-dependent me was definitely involved in the relationship.  Was it because she was over-the-top attractive that I was willing to go above and beyond just to keep her interested?  Did I know that it was just a matter of time until I slipped and she left OR that I realized maybe she wasn’t where I belonged in the first place?  I am not really sure.  What I definitely didn’t expect was for ALL of the positive things that I have done, that have occurred over the last several months, and the list is endless, to be eliminated in a single instance.

Is she sitting at home remembering all of those good times, all of those memories that we made?  Is she regretting simply closing the door and not even acknowledging that I exist?  Sadly, I think not.  I suspect that she feels totally justified at this point.  I apologized formally and several times informally, asking for forgiveness and how I might make amends.  Not only has she not accepted her responsibility in our little event (which was aided, if not caused, by too much alcohol on both our parts), she hasn’t even acknowledged my apologies, let alone forgiven me.

C715CBCB-FEFC-4CEC-8F5B-DAE2F4FC52B6

Being the co-dependent that I am, I have already forgiven her for her role.  I really have, even knowing that I will likely never see her again.  Sadly, again because I am co-dependent, I don’t know how people are so willing to accept no communication, the lack of consideration of anyone else’s feelings or understanding of a situation, and have the ability to simply walk away.  That is the nightmare scenario for someone like me – complete rejection and the resulting loneliness that accompanies it.

Happily, I recognize why I feel and act the way that I do, and I am controlling and learning from it.  I am sad, but not depressed.  I also accept that just like the feelings following the departure of my narcissistic ex-wife, these feelings too will pass.  There is someone out there that will appreciate me in a way that I can accept and embrace.  Until that time, I will continue to push forward, evaluating what is happening in my life, but not allowing it to control me like it used to.  No, I am NOT looking forward to dating new women yet again, but that is the hand I have been dealt.  I will continue to learn and get better.

0C94EA3C-1ED1-4360-A82C-F7F06AC25A93

Moving on, and up, once again…

 

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Me and My Co-Dependence – Part 2

  1. I just don’t get some people. Doesn’t it bother them to have things left unsaid and not have some kind of closure? Doesn’t even need to be anything detailed or long, just SOMETHING! And the fact that she didn’t pay or plan anything while you did all those things is just low. Being ignored like you never existed really does dig up the feeling of unworthiness. It must be our subconscious thought we have about ourselves that’s being triggered because, in reality it’s really about the girl, that she’s selfish, immature, lacking empathy, etc so why do we somehow punish ourselves? We’ve all had those drunk fights where you’re like, “whoops, I screwed up there” but they aren’t usually deal breakers, usually you end up pissed at each other for a week and then get over it. If that was “the last straw” after a bunch of bad times I’d get it but it sounds like things were good and then, bam. It does make you wonder if she’s bothered you are not contacting her, good for you for not. You may have dodged a bullet with this one but dang, is this the new normal? 😕

    Like

  2. I’m not really sure what to think anymore. This thing was completely out of nowhere. If you would have told me that afternoon that starting the next day, I would never communicate with or see her again, I would have said you were crazy. And without going into too much detail, I will say the drunken issue that occurred was a mutual issue that did not include any infidelity, any hostilities or injuries, not even any arguments. It is really bizarre.

    As far as paying for everything, I have to take the blame as I accepted things were that way. That doesn’t mean she shouldn’t have at least offered, but since I never balked, I guess I can’t complain too much.

    I do feel that in todays world, some people do expect to be taken care of and have extremely high expectations for those around them but don’t hold themselves equally accountable. As long as they continue to get away with it, why should they change? They don’t.

    I will admit that I have struggled a bit today. However, at this point, I believe that I am missing the companionship more than I am missing the companion. I am going to continue down the path I am on. I have convinced myself that her reaction is unacceptable and is worse than what caused the breakup in the first place. I am going to soldier on (not that I have a choice), hope that she doesn’t contact me, and try to ignore her even if she does. I deserve better and I will eventually find it.

    Like

    • You will find the right one if you stay on that path. If you were in your old patterns you had with your ex wife, you’d try to get her back, take responsibility for things that weren’t your fault just to stay together. Five years later you’d be be in deep with a person that isn’t worthy of you. Better to feel lonely now than really hurt later and having wasted time with the wrong person instead of getting closer to the right one. I am 2 1/2 yrs single since my break up and I definitely miss being in love but am so thankful I’m no longer wasting my time with a selfish taker. The holidays are extra tough to be alone. I think you hit the nail on the head with this girl (and others like them)-they are very comfortable taking without giving (I would feel so stupid, I’d be like, “no, let me pay for gosh sakes, it’s my turn!) and they have a double standard where they can mess up without a thought and dismiss the first mistake in someone else. These types don’t have very deep bonds with people which is why they can walk away so easily. That’s not someone I want to end up with. We obviously feel and bond deeply which is why we get hurt but in the end, we can find the real thing while they will never have that. I think your drunken night was a Xmas gift, it showed you what this girl was really made of. Thank you universe/Santa!

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s